委屈。

你好。
我不好。

我以為一切可以像我所計劃一樣，每個人都可以合作。

為什麼就是這麼難。

我好後悔，
不應該是這樣的啊，
為什麼可以一起38的所謂的朋友，就是沒辦法在課業上合作？

也許是我的錯、我知道我小氣 小心眼。
一點小事我都可以很肚爛。
有時候一個眼神，一個面色，我都可以難過很久。

我很在意別人對我是怎麼看法。
我不會社交。
交到新朋友我也不是很會說話。
就算是老朋友，我也可能不多話。
不是我號戀，我真的不會社交………

我不喜歡輸給人。
我喜歡贏的滋味，可是為什麼當一個勝利者就注定要孤獨……

他們說，強者都是孤獨的。
這個我很懂。
我曾經因為是領導人物，大家都不喜歡我
我也沒什麼人可以談心
贏了的時候，那個感覺很不一樣。
不像贏了。只是像輸得更慘不忍睹。

我真的不知道要怎麼辦，
怎麼訴說我的心情。

可能別人沒在意我，但是為什麼我就是很在意別人對我的看法。。。

我的生活永遠都只是配角嗎 我不要！！

我要當主角。我要主宰我的生活、

有時候真的累了。還要掛上虛假的微笑。
那種感覺就像帶上面具的小丑。


課業，我已經設法完成那些我不應該自己做的部分。
我也不懂為什麼我什麼都要攔在我身上，幫他們做。
然後他們一點也沒察覺，反而覺得那是我的本分？

鬱悶。
想要解放，找不到方法。
也許哭一哭，睡一覺，就好了？

頭好疼。
身心疲憊。


終。xx

你好。

好久沒更新喲。
我、好嗎？
算好吧。人生過了一層層自己第一次面對的階段。
去了國民服務，獨自上KL去面試，上了學院。
學院的生活一開始很辛苦，Orientation week 簡直不是人過的生活。過後有一個星期宿舍沒水。每天早上四點起床只為了爭到水沖涼洗衣服。
每天過着朝八晚五的生活、每天穿着正式的服裝，簡直就像個上班族。呵。
學院啊，不是你死就是我亡，上課沒專心你就輸了。
在這裡，
有些事情不能直接說出來就算。是沒辦法說。是沒人可以訴說。
在這裡，我可以算是113個人裡最年輕的其中一個。
朋友沒幾個是同種族的，同思想的。
華人也不過幾個，華人女生更是稀有動物。
俺，是唯一一個正統的華人女生。
辛苦啊～
喲喲，有時候真的委屈可是只能往自己肚子裡吞。
不開心，也只能小小的難過一下又要笑著當小丑。

心理學導師說，早上你睡醒時是什麼心情，你一整天就是那個心情。 你睡醒時是很清新，一整天下來你就會是很開心。

時時提醒自己絕對要忍耐。
因為我的專業告訴我要這麼做。

對了，我在上着的課程是醫療助理。Medical Assistant. 我們的工作猶如醫生可是我們不被稱為醫生。我們的工作猶如護士可是我們不是護士。我們是醫療助理。 :)

好啦，更新到這裡就算了。
哈哈大笑，又是新的一天。

終。xx

幹他奶奶的。

幹幹幹！！
好歹我也好久沒用手提電腦上網了
一上線就給它欺負哼
電腦死不夠力lag之外，每打下幾粒字就跟我玩123木頭人；
還真有夠他奶奶的哼

又要倒數跨年了喲，有啥節目？
我只是希望能看一看偉大的煙花… 我沒有一次跨年是可以看到煙花的呃
新年願望嘛 就希望大家開開心心快快樂樂平平安安健健康康天下太平……
除了這些，我想我也沒什麼偉大的願望了

今年經歷過太多太多的事
不想成長都被逼得快快長大  今年的我還認識了以前沒有的勇氣和堅強 雖然眼淚還是很不爭氣，
每次都不由自主的掉下來 可是我都走過來了 不是嗎？
多了嘮叨，因為我真的不想那些小過我的走上不歸路。
多了關心，是因為我不想看見一個平凡的家庭變成一個什麼都沒有的家。

這些日子，錢 是萬能的神。
俗語說，有錢能使鬼推磨。 不是嗎?
沒做工的日子真的好難過；只靠著母親一點點的收入卻要養起五口的生活。
我服了。 徹徹底底的，敗給了『錢』。

即使看到前男友，依稀看到那時甜蜜的時光。 怎麼辦？
所幸我的離開，看清了他所有的面貌。 花花公子啊！
能夠看清，我真的謝天謝地了。謝謝我自己做了明智的選擇。


這幾天真的都在忙著國名服務的事，既驚奇又緊張…

最近，做了身體檢查。我的身體都很健康。只不過肥了點、膽固醇高了點、血糖高了點、還是個地中海貧血症的帶病者。不要怕，接近我你不會有危險的。它不像A字頭的性病，通過血的接觸就能傳染。地中海貧血症只不過是個家族遺傳的貧血症。
我的責任就是暫停它的傳播，也就是遺傳。所以就注定了我這輩子都沒的結婚生子…有也是只能收養小孩，反正這世界上還有很多被父母拋棄的小孩要讓人收養。我很樂意。

最重要的是我才發現原來我是O型血。
我……真的可以捐血救人了嗎？

煩了國民服務，又要煩大學。要上大學，真的是沒有像偶像劇裡那麼容易勒
在我們馬來西亞，還要一個一個去銀行買申請大學表格的pin code。再一個一個寄出去申請。天，光是想到我就覺得可怕。
而且我對我的成績非常沒自信。想要考到我想去的Asunta護士學院我就真的很緊張。
只希望我能討到那裡吧。我真的沒錢都大學，更不想跟政府借什麼PTPTN。
算了吧，過一天算一天。

網路上什麼都是虛擬的，笑臉笑聲名字甚至是感情。

終。xx

2011 年。

人人都嚮往美好的日子。誰會要活在劣質的環境中？

2011年就要成為過去式，2012年將是新的王道。

我還在擔心當兵的事// 期待中還是帶著很大的驚恐。

2011 年，
我學到了，做人要嘛就非常隨和 要嘛非常孤僻。 沒人會理你的任何遭遇就算是好朋友好同學好同事。每個人都嘛自私自利。誰會捨棄利益而嚮往災難？ 我是人，你也是人；
把自己份內的事做好，就是身存的方法。千萬不要雞婆當媒婆和事佬中間人 都沒有好處尤其是對自己。

2011 年，
我學到了自己一個人，好過兩個人。謝謝我身邊的朋友家人。我真的不相信愛情。叫我談戀愛我的答案永遠是NO。就算你逼我我也不知道什麼叫愛，要怎麼愛。雖然有時是真的很想要有個人陪有個人傾述，都不過是暫時性的。

我也學到了如何克制自己。再怎麼痛，再怎麼難受，眼淚都只能留到晚上的枕頭。

去年的聖誕及倒數，還有一個人陪我過。今年，我一個人看煙花，玩面書。
我還記得，那時的煙花。那麼的響亮。（（淚奔m(_ _)m

哈哈哈，有時候，單身也未必不是好事？出去也不用煩要穿什麼好取悅男人。現在的我，畫個眼線 穿上自己喜歡的衣服，上街咯！也不用無時無刻握住電話，像個寶那樣，深怕沒回到愛人的短訊。更不用吵架。嘖，我真的看得太多了，他們都把我捧上天，說什麼有愛情的問題就可以來問我。噗 笑死我，小女子哪敢當？哈哈哈，我也不過是叫他們看清楚，作出自己認為最不後悔的決定… 那麼難嗎？ 或許真的是當局者迷旁觀者清吧 //

2012年，
我沒什麼多大的·願望，只希望能在當兵期間瘦一點，做人矜持一點，能討到哪家我想要的護理學院……………………

最近愛上了黑白風格，簡單乾淨，整合我意。
下午三點，傾盆大雨。真夠他媽的。

不要問我為什麼用華文。我只是單純的覺得，實時的改變能讓人煥然一新。另外，我活者不是為了取悅任何人。╮(╯▽╰)╭

終。xx

聖誕。

聖誕快樂。
是我們家大哥， 耶穌的生日呢 生日快樂！:)

平安夜那晚，我們一家人都參加了晚上的彌撒。
人真的多到 PEOPLE MOUNTAIN PEOPLE SEA -.-
本來打算要到Spring倒數的。朋友都到了勒，不過媽咪不肯，沒辦法 ╮(╯_╰)╭

今天聖誕，
起個大早參加了聖誕彌撒後，就到富麗華買食材，晚上家庭聚會要煮的
看到大家都來了，沒個人沒有我想像中的那麼誠信。
有也只是一些貪吃的人，別人還沒到就已經迫不及待要偷吃。
人家也是忙到進進出出的勒 (╬￣皿￣)凸
不過最後也是圓滿結束啦，只不過今年的聖誕，每個人都好早回家哦 -.-
不知道是在趕些什麼？ 呵呵呵。
我之後還看了變形金剛1和2勒。超好看的誒，我也太慢了哈哈哈哈

老實說，我並沒有很快樂。
自得其樂的每天在sdo隱藏身份捉弄人後大聲的笑到像個瘋婆子一樣。
哈哈哈 每天用男帳號當男同志嚇嚇男玩家 笑死我

最近生活的步伐都加快了許多，每天越來越趕，很像時間都不夠用似的。
很多要做的事都沒做到真的很對不起自己，唉。
沒辦法。我太自大。以為一切都會過去但是我還是很怕去國民服務！！
怕遇到不好的朋友，怕遇到骯髒的床，怕怕………………
我怕很多事情。
依然假裝堅強。

從早上就胃痛了，害我哭了〒▽〒 我的天
再也沒有這麼衰了。
是該說衰嗎？ 還是自作孽自己活該？
如果是我活該，請你針對我而來，你知道的，家人永遠是我第一，尤其是小妹。
看到她跌到、撞到頭、哭得不像樣……我都很心疼。
她……是我的寶。

身份證的芯片壞了，要開BSN戶口開不成，要去身體檢查還遇到有史以來的人山人海。
星期六那天要去做新的身份證，那個地方又沒開…
去教堂小妹被敲到頭，哭成淚人。
我好失敗。

我真的不知道，是我錯還是天看走眼。

終。xx

Broken.

I am not suppose to be bloggin.

I doesnt have that silly mood to do so. 

But shit happens and i had to find somewhere somehow to puke it out or else i might die without anyone knowing.

Okay.

What does Family means?

They say its

Father And Mother I Love You.

yeahh.

but mine. will be Mother and Sisters I Love You.

Masily. 

hahahahaa..

its broken.

totally broken.

they quarrel because of me.

yeahh ME.

i was like, very innocent and i didnt know things happened because of me.

my mom and sisters had booked tickets to fly back to Pahang at the 21 of Oct.

and my so-called-dad booked his too without everyone of us' acknowledge.

I thought he is mature. ahahahah.

if he go, i will be all alone over here.

i cant go due to the exams is around the corner.

mom was worrying bout me coz i dont dare to stay alone in house. 

now he take this for a reason that mom doesnt want him to go.

mom doesnt want him to go because when mom see him, she doesnt feel any happiness.

so she rather go without him.

they quarreling and i knock the door of theirs'.

i think he feel paiseh and doesnt want me and my sis to see them quarrel so he act nicely.

i heard everything.

i ask him. 

what are u 2 quarrel bout?

he say, your mom sudden want sudden dont want me to go. worried bout you bah.

i replied. 

i already planned to sleep over at my friend's house. if you want go, then go lar.

i cried.

yes, like burst everything out.

are you angry at mom just because of this?

why everything turns so fucking shit?

i cant control my tears to fall.

.

.

.

broken down.

i wont care if you leave us.

im okay with that.

why dont you just leave us alone and living peacefully?

Broken.

baii.

TGISaturday.

heh. I forgot to put title on my previous blog post. heh, but nevermind. 

Who cares? HEHEHh.

i rather not coming home. i want to smoke and i want drunk all night.

but somehow something prevented me to do it all. IDK why.

I know its not good yet i need to fight with my heart and im always the loser.

phone broke down :/ haihh, need go reformat liao.

yay daddy want buy ipad. yay yayyyy can forever rebloggg on tumblaaaaa. <3

i wanted to change the tumblr layout to those alike with those awesome blogs one but i lazzy. so, yeahh.

I miss Grace. I miss hugging her.

I miss everyone in my life.

The boy very hardworking at the place i work, we called him handsome boy but i call him sengboii la. x3

hehh, he talk his past with us just now. 

he miss his mom. and his mom had past away and he was used to very close to her and he looking her die inside and he cannot save her.

I feel so sad. he seems want to cry but he smile at me instead.

He miss her. Like seriously.

he work at saloon from morning until evening, and night work at waiter. 

he looks awesome and strong. yeah.

im gonna reformat my phone tomorrow.

oh yeah i wanna hug him so much just now, like a boss. seriously.

super random? 

k baii.

I had deactivated my 2 out of 3 facebook accounts. 

I have no such time to manage all and i'm wasting my time over there. 

7 of September. 

Today its not the day for peoples around me. 

They were angry, get scolded, disappointments, arguing, fighting, crying, punching... 

I feel bad.

I can only be the listener when they tell their probs to me. 

I cant give any advise because im not a good adviser. 

I cant torture them because im not good at it.

I cant counsel them because im not a counselor.

I only lend them my eyes to see their texts, fingers to reply texts, mind to think, heart to help and shoulder to cry off.

Being my friend cant always get money from me but when it comes to lending shoulder, i will be the first choice for you.

Life is always full with challenges and examinations, try to solve it and not giving up may lead you to a better place.  :)

Shalom. Baii.

Hates.

Get free from everything.

I almost die last on last friday night. under his hand. the man I have to love but I had already hated him to the max. 

He was so drunk and I was waiting him to fetch me from tuition. I waited him alone. My phone credit expired. I cant contact anyone. I thought everything will be fine like usual. but this time my wish is not granted and something unusual is happened. 

He drive so fast and he stop so fast. I can't describe. UGHH. He stop infront of my tuition center and was yelling that he is very sick. he can't even drive. he drive like snake. yeahh seriously. he is so smelly. the smell of cigarettes and alcohols. leading me to puke and nervous. i am soo not secure. i scared that i will die in next second when i open my eyes. im so scared that my hands is freeze and trying so hard to close my eyes everytime he stops suddenly and at the turning point. im so scared that i prayed to god and ask him to save me from this situation. im so scared that i die and my mom and cheryl and amanda got no one to take care of them. im so scared. 

when i arrived home, im so glad that i didnt die. i didnt get injured. i didnt get any police chasing us. ughh. thanks to god. 

i keep wondering why he needs to be so drunk?

He cant even remember how he fetch me home on last friday night. 

his car plate is missing.

he is wondering whether he knock people and cause them to die.

he said he wont drink again.

he said this more than TRICE. 

alright, 

its his birthday. 3rd of sept.

the whole family, too hate him. doesnt want to wish him anything. we dont even have breakfast or lunch nor dinner together. i just dont wanna meet him. i know that im not suppose to do this but i hate him. i have to forgive him but i have not enough faith. im trying hard to forgive but yet i cant. honestly, im planning for run away from here. run away from him and everything over here. start a new life with only mom, cheryl and amanda. my only family LEFT.

probably if i didnt keep believing, today will be funeral of us. die in car accident or etc. 

you had done so much things that made us hate you. you know what is it, please. if you still love us, show it. 

i got nothing left to say.

happy birthday, most hated dad.

k baii. chaww.

i hope i can love you again.

Nooneknowsme.

I'm too despite to post my feelings on facebook so I blog indeed.

Random post just to boooost out my feelings.

Life is being more complicated day by day. Through the toughness of life, I realize that everyone only know my name but not my story. This remind me of her. 

She is someone who I respect the most. But indeed, she thought she knows me well like wth. 

She thought that my family is so rich that she can just cancel my name in the list of the netbook that the government is giving out. SHE told me, ''you're too rich for that so I canceled your name in the list.''

I was so angry like ASDFGHJKL, but my mom asked me to forgive her. Maybe she's innocent or perhaps she just look at the NAME of mine? 

alright, I forgive her but still, my heart still can't really calm when I get nearer to her. HAIH.

Dear anybody else, 

I just want you to know that you're not me and you won't know what problems I'm facing and what my life is. I won't know yours either. 

I'm the type of person hardly have friends. I had just open my heart this two years, to knowing more friends outside. But sometimes I overacted and made peoples disliked me. HAIH. I know. I'm overacting. 

I've so many problems so solve but yet too little time and money. IDK much. 

I yelled His name whenever I feel that He is here with me. I know.

I know He will lead me and show me the way. I know..

Put Everything in God's Hands! "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

and..

shalomm. baii. :')

Boring-ness.

Seems like better to go Tumblr. for blogging. At least there can find a series of nice pictures.

seems like meaningless posting my posts here...

K Thanks BAii.

LOL. JK. 

My life was being good so far.

Daily busy with school, homeworks, working time, sleep, eat, play around and making trying to linked to my besties that won't left me alone when we went for outing. 

Amoii and Aboii, i called them. I met them from where I work. Yeaa they treats me like I'm the main character. I just love them. They never ever leave me alone when we went out. Seriously.

THEY NEVER. :D

I'm try not to hate, but I really hates peoples let me alone when they ajak me go out. Its just like, ''why are you ajak me here and drop me alone ?!''

Totally wasting of time. 

So, please don't invite me go out just for sharing another share of money. And them drop me alone watching you all laughing, watching movie without my share of ticket.

Its just like, ignored.

okay stops on this topic.

-------Ended-------

My life were a mystery. I can be a movie producer, a movie editor and even a movie actress.

I knew that I'm not hot and prettayy but I got my confidence to do those things.

Yeaa and I did it. But something gone wrong. aiya, blame me ='/

Sorry but I do feel loneliness. Lonely, need to hold myself when I'm falling cause theres no one for you.

Lonely, need to handle everything by myself cause theres no one for you.

Lonely, need to hold my hands by myself to being less warmness.

Sorry I just hate being alone.

='/

Strong.. SIGH.

Currently addicted to Tumblr for nice pictures, Amei's song '都什麼時候了', Justin Bieber 'Pray'.

Chaw, Praying for another better day..

-Cat