委屈。

你好。
我不好。

我以為一切可以像我所計劃一樣，每個人都可以合作。

為什麼就是這麼難。

我好後悔，
不應該是這樣的啊，
為什麼可以一起38的所謂的朋友，就是沒辦法在課業上合作？

也許是我的錯、我知道我小氣 小心眼。
一點小事我都可以很肚爛。
有時候一個眼神，一個面色，我都可以難過很久。

我很在意別人對我是怎麼看法。
我不會社交。
交到新朋友我也不是很會說話。
就算是老朋友，我也可能不多話。
不是我號戀，我真的不會社交………

我不喜歡輸給人。
我喜歡贏的滋味，可是為什麼當一個勝利者就注定要孤獨……

他們說，強者都是孤獨的。
這個我很懂。
我曾經因為是領導人物，大家都不喜歡我
我也沒什麼人可以談心
贏了的時候，那個感覺很不一樣。
不像贏了。只是像輸得更慘不忍睹。

我真的不知道要怎麼辦，
怎麼訴說我的心情。

可能別人沒在意我，但是為什麼我就是很在意別人對我的看法。。。

我的生活永遠都只是配角嗎 我不要！！

我要當主角。我要主宰我的生活、

有時候真的累了。還要掛上虛假的微笑。
那種感覺就像帶上面具的小丑。


課業，我已經設法完成那些我不應該自己做的部分。
我也不懂為什麼我什麼都要攔在我身上，幫他們做。
然後他們一點也沒察覺，反而覺得那是我的本分？

鬱悶。
想要解放，找不到方法。
也許哭一哭，睡一覺，就好了？

頭好疼。
身心疲憊。


終。xx

聖誕。

聖誕快樂。
是我們家大哥， 耶穌的生日呢 生日快樂！:)

平安夜那晚，我們一家人都參加了晚上的彌撒。
人真的多到 PEOPLE MOUNTAIN PEOPLE SEA -.-
本來打算要到Spring倒數的。朋友都到了勒，不過媽咪不肯，沒辦法 ╮(╯_╰)╭

今天聖誕，
起個大早參加了聖誕彌撒後，就到富麗華買食材，晚上家庭聚會要煮的
看到大家都來了，沒個人沒有我想像中的那麼誠信。
有也只是一些貪吃的人，別人還沒到就已經迫不及待要偷吃。
人家也是忙到進進出出的勒 (╬￣皿￣)凸
不過最後也是圓滿結束啦，只不過今年的聖誕，每個人都好早回家哦 -.-
不知道是在趕些什麼？ 呵呵呵。
我之後還看了變形金剛1和2勒。超好看的誒，我也太慢了哈哈哈哈

老實說，我並沒有很快樂。
自得其樂的每天在sdo隱藏身份捉弄人後大聲的笑到像個瘋婆子一樣。
哈哈哈 每天用男帳號當男同志嚇嚇男玩家 笑死我

最近生活的步伐都加快了許多，每天越來越趕，很像時間都不夠用似的。
很多要做的事都沒做到真的很對不起自己，唉。
沒辦法。我太自大。以為一切都會過去但是我還是很怕去國民服務！！
怕遇到不好的朋友，怕遇到骯髒的床，怕怕………………
我怕很多事情。
依然假裝堅強。

從早上就胃痛了，害我哭了〒▽〒 我的天
再也沒有這麼衰了。
是該說衰嗎？ 還是自作孽自己活該？
如果是我活該，請你針對我而來，你知道的，家人永遠是我第一，尤其是小妹。
看到她跌到、撞到頭、哭得不像樣……我都很心疼。
她……是我的寶。

身份證的芯片壞了，要開BSN戶口開不成，要去身體檢查還遇到有史以來的人山人海。
星期六那天要去做新的身份證，那個地方又沒開…
去教堂小妹被敲到頭，哭成淚人。
我好失敗。

我真的不知道，是我錯還是天看走眼。

終。xx

Its feels like 12894732212877 days I didn't update my blog. ughh yeahh.

see my banner? NICE right ? :{> ehehehhh <3

i want to have lots of small tatoos !! 

its gonna be done after the SPM. yeahh. heheh

I dont know what to say but , 

actually i feel very depressed 

and i had no one to talk to

and i refuse to start to talk bout it

and i want to protect everyone.

silly wish?

yeahh my wish is just simple. being a superwoman saving all the peoples needed in the world. or maybe those in other planets too. :P 

Actually you know, 

i hate to be blamed for nothing.

I was like, thinking of how to make things better without disturbing peoples but yet what i get is blaming all around.

PLEASE la. I'm so tired already.

you say i fat. ok la i diet la. why you scolded me for not having dinner? i told her twice for not having dinner and yet they blamed me. 

i feel so lonely to be left out by 'em and yet they are so excited to go back to semenanjung. so what do you expect me to feel now? 

problems come and never ends. SHIT.

baii.

TGISaturday.

heh. I forgot to put title on my previous blog post. heh, but nevermind. 

Who cares? HEHEHh.

i rather not coming home. i want to smoke and i want drunk all night.

but somehow something prevented me to do it all. IDK why.

I know its not good yet i need to fight with my heart and im always the loser.

phone broke down :/ haihh, need go reformat liao.

yay daddy want buy ipad. yay yayyyy can forever rebloggg on tumblaaaaa. <3

i wanted to change the tumblr layout to those alike with those awesome blogs one but i lazzy. so, yeahh.

I miss Grace. I miss hugging her.

I miss everyone in my life.

The boy very hardworking at the place i work, we called him handsome boy but i call him sengboii la. x3

hehh, he talk his past with us just now. 

he miss his mom. and his mom had past away and he was used to very close to her and he looking her die inside and he cannot save her.

I feel so sad. he seems want to cry but he smile at me instead.

He miss her. Like seriously.

he work at saloon from morning until evening, and night work at waiter. 

he looks awesome and strong. yeah.

im gonna reformat my phone tomorrow.

oh yeah i wanna hug him so much just now, like a boss. seriously.

super random? 

k baii.

I had deactivated my 2 out of 3 facebook accounts. 

I have no such time to manage all and i'm wasting my time over there. 

7 of September. 

Today its not the day for peoples around me. 

They were angry, get scolded, disappointments, arguing, fighting, crying, punching... 

I feel bad.

I can only be the listener when they tell their probs to me. 

I cant give any advise because im not a good adviser. 

I cant torture them because im not good at it.

I cant counsel them because im not a counselor.

I only lend them my eyes to see their texts, fingers to reply texts, mind to think, heart to help and shoulder to cry off.

Being my friend cant always get money from me but when it comes to lending shoulder, i will be the first choice for you.

Life is always full with challenges and examinations, try to solve it and not giving up may lead you to a better place.  :)

Shalom. Baii.

Hates.

Get free from everything.

I almost die last on last friday night. under his hand. the man I have to love but I had already hated him to the max. 

He was so drunk and I was waiting him to fetch me from tuition. I waited him alone. My phone credit expired. I cant contact anyone. I thought everything will be fine like usual. but this time my wish is not granted and something unusual is happened. 

He drive so fast and he stop so fast. I can't describe. UGHH. He stop infront of my tuition center and was yelling that he is very sick. he can't even drive. he drive like snake. yeahh seriously. he is so smelly. the smell of cigarettes and alcohols. leading me to puke and nervous. i am soo not secure. i scared that i will die in next second when i open my eyes. im so scared that my hands is freeze and trying so hard to close my eyes everytime he stops suddenly and at the turning point. im so scared that i prayed to god and ask him to save me from this situation. im so scared that i die and my mom and cheryl and amanda got no one to take care of them. im so scared. 

when i arrived home, im so glad that i didnt die. i didnt get injured. i didnt get any police chasing us. ughh. thanks to god. 

i keep wondering why he needs to be so drunk?

He cant even remember how he fetch me home on last friday night. 

his car plate is missing.

he is wondering whether he knock people and cause them to die.

he said he wont drink again.

he said this more than TRICE. 

alright, 

its his birthday. 3rd of sept.

the whole family, too hate him. doesnt want to wish him anything. we dont even have breakfast or lunch nor dinner together. i just dont wanna meet him. i know that im not suppose to do this but i hate him. i have to forgive him but i have not enough faith. im trying hard to forgive but yet i cant. honestly, im planning for run away from here. run away from him and everything over here. start a new life with only mom, cheryl and amanda. my only family LEFT.

probably if i didnt keep believing, today will be funeral of us. die in car accident or etc. 

you had done so much things that made us hate you. you know what is it, please. if you still love us, show it. 

i got nothing left to say.

happy birthday, most hated dad.

k baii. chaww.

i hope i can love you again.

Nooneknowsme.

I'm too despite to post my feelings on facebook so I blog indeed.

Random post just to boooost out my feelings.

Life is being more complicated day by day. Through the toughness of life, I realize that everyone only know my name but not my story. This remind me of her. 

She is someone who I respect the most. But indeed, she thought she knows me well like wth. 

She thought that my family is so rich that she can just cancel my name in the list of the netbook that the government is giving out. SHE told me, ''you're too rich for that so I canceled your name in the list.''

I was so angry like ASDFGHJKL, but my mom asked me to forgive her. Maybe she's innocent or perhaps she just look at the NAME of mine? 

alright, I forgive her but still, my heart still can't really calm when I get nearer to her. HAIH.

Dear anybody else, 

I just want you to know that you're not me and you won't know what problems I'm facing and what my life is. I won't know yours either. 

I'm the type of person hardly have friends. I had just open my heart this two years, to knowing more friends outside. But sometimes I overacted and made peoples disliked me. HAIH. I know. I'm overacting. 

I've so many problems so solve but yet too little time and money. IDK much. 

I yelled His name whenever I feel that He is here with me. I know.

I know He will lead me and show me the way. I know..

Put Everything in God's Hands! "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

and..

shalomm. baii. :')

IDKnow.

SHEETZ.

Its been a long time for blogging. ;x

Spending too much time on Facebook and Tumblr. 

Been mess up for love and friends. So much things happened and I'm thinkibng how to face it. 

Friend shouldn't be the one left you behind when you need someone else. 

Friend shouldn't be the one left you for their BOY/GIRLfriend instead listen to us. 

If the friendship can broke so easily, IT doesn't name as friendship. ITS FRIENDSHITZ.

Okay, I apologize if I caused any convenience.

I've learnt how to keep everything inside instead of showing it out dramatically. 

This happens when I'm soooo excited 'bout something and I wanted to tell someone 'bout that, they ignore me by talking other things or talking to other peoples OR IGNORE me straight before I get the chance to say anything. #foreveralone.

AND AND,

I extremely DISLIKE the so-called-friend, use MY name to hang out and ACTUALLY they are abandon you aside AS they wanted to GO OUT for meeting their BOY/GIRLfriend. 

I was like, WHAT TEH HEWL you ask for hangout when your aim is actually DATING, WHILE I'M ALONE OVER THERE DOING NOTHING ? 

How would you? HAHAHAh. 

+ I Don't Give A Fuck if you dislike me. 

But I DO Give A Damn if you talk bad behind me. 

AND I DO GIVE A FUCKIN' SHITZ ON YOUR FACE IF I CAUGHT YOU DO SO. 

hahah. I'm so bad as you can't imagine. :) 

BTW, some random strangers, I'm not as friendly as you all think. 

SO, stop judge me before you know me and anything else.

:D
mlm F*CKKK.

okay,

I met Grace for the second time. *FINALLY*.

She is sooooooooooooo small. But I'm so sad bout it when the cute-ness of her became one of her problems. :( haih, what to do, life always unfair tho. 

:')

And FYI, the first time we met was at AHPek's house when CNY'11. 

and I had a family day trip with my FAMILIES ! :D, after a long hard working time, finally we get the holidays to spend with. Its so cooool.

We went to Matang Wildlife Center.

mom and Amanda

This looks fat. But this is ME. :)

Amanda, mama, papa and Cheryl.

And we went to the river, and of course, SWIMMMM.

Guess which is me ? :P -NEHHH, the MIDDLE one. LOLL

FOOOOOOD ! -I looks FAT, #fml.

And...

LOL, Amanda-the-beauty-lover. 

. 

.

On Sunday, I skipped tuition ;p

Mom drive me, Cheryl and Amanda to Damai, Santubong and Buntal for refreshing trip. Its just a short-short trip even though I didn't TOUCH sea water. #FML. *sigh* I miss beach so much ! 

 

NAA, lazy for uploading photos. :P its time for me to tumblring ! Goooood looooong byeeeeee Bloggerrrr. :P btw, follow me on tumblr, 

#my tumblr.

Tadaaaaaaa. 

-Life is just miserable, theres no undo nor return. So, live like theres no tomorrow. :)

Boring-ness.

Seems like better to go Tumblr. for blogging. At least there can find a series of nice pictures.

seems like meaningless posting my posts here...

K Thanks BAii.

LOL. JK. 

My life was being good so far.

Daily busy with school, homeworks, working time, sleep, eat, play around and making trying to linked to my besties that won't left me alone when we went for outing. 

Amoii and Aboii, i called them. I met them from where I work. Yeaa they treats me like I'm the main character. I just love them. They never ever leave me alone when we went out. Seriously.

THEY NEVER. :D

I'm try not to hate, but I really hates peoples let me alone when they ajak me go out. Its just like, ''why are you ajak me here and drop me alone ?!''

Totally wasting of time. 

So, please don't invite me go out just for sharing another share of money. And them drop me alone watching you all laughing, watching movie without my share of ticket.

Its just like, ignored.

okay stops on this topic.

-------Ended-------

My life were a mystery. I can be a movie producer, a movie editor and even a movie actress.

I knew that I'm not hot and prettayy but I got my confidence to do those things.

Yeaa and I did it. But something gone wrong. aiya, blame me ='/

Sorry but I do feel loneliness. Lonely, need to hold myself when I'm falling cause theres no one for you.

Lonely, need to handle everything by myself cause theres no one for you.

Lonely, need to hold my hands by myself to being less warmness.

Sorry I just hate being alone.

='/

Strong.. SIGH.

Currently addicted to Tumblr for nice pictures, Amei's song '都什麼時候了', Justin Bieber 'Pray'.

Chaw, Praying for another better day..

-Cat

Its just a dream.

 

Yeah, its just a dream. I was sleeping and dreaming for 3 months +.

Now I'm awake and scream everything out. 

My fears, my tears.

Its the 7th day you left me.

Tonight, the stars so bright.

Laughter so high.

And I was thinking bout you again tonight..

I do delete all your messages in my inbox and sent items.

But when I reach PICTURES, I failed to click the 'c' key.

I failed.

The pictures.. When he smile, he acting cute, he peace-ing..

I just can't fade it off from my mind.

Sorry. I need to end this 'cause I'm not perfect for you.

:]

 Tears will rushing out when I listen to our songs. :')

I.. can't shout that I'm over you. 'cause I'm not.

Overall.

 

I.. still missing you.

First of March.

Emo-ness. 

When the little bit of light from the sun, brighten the world,

I'm in the shower for the morning.

I thought everything could goes same.

Wakeup-bath-eat-school.

Yeaaa. and yea, thought-ness.

Reaches class, 

took out my fried rice aka breakfast and eat it.

First period was BIO and I remembered that today its the 1st time I wont feel sleepy in monday's bio class. LOL. *claps.

Other periods goes finely as well.

After recess time, P.Moral period, 

Sohaimii is having a spotcheck happily.

All discipline teacher aimed our class, ONLY.

Alpha do bring handphones, but why you all pretended to-dint-see-it?

Its too unfair. Even they are top class, please la, be loyal.

Even Gama also kena rampas 3 phones.

Whats wrong with teacher's world?

They aimed our class strongly and i think they collected at least 15 phones?

Its too UNFAIR.

-but what to do, the real side of the world never fair.

------------------

Kays, my phone kena rampas.

After school, I go back home and go to school again after 30mins home.

For netball training.

Needa be so serious. But no coorperation.

I've been doing everything. 

Invite the coach, grab attentions..

I'm just tired doing these.

Why I cant control situations?

Sometimes just feel like f*ck off.

home at 4 and go work at 4.15pm.

Im so tired.

Exhausted.

But i need to be working early cause only 2 workers tonight.

Needa prepare everything like arrange the chairs and tables and blaa ..

Carry heavy stuffs and yeaa ..

Its tiring for a girl. Even I'm strong enough.

Work-work-work.

Done all works and home.

Damn i forgot to bring my key. + my phone kena rampas.

Using XiaoMei's handphone spam call my parents and my sis.

Lucky my mom ans my call. or else I might ending up by sleep at outside.

-------

+I bleed my toe. and the kayu of the table cucuk in my hand.

I feel so lonely and I need him.

He online few ours ago. but he never wanted to post me a comment or sth else.

Maybe he don't want?

Hahaaa. Guessing , its all my life.

'cause he won't tell me what he is doing or happen.

so everything I can do is just, predicting. :')

---------

Pm my berry atok on facebook. ;3 since he still online. LOL.

He straight then know I got probs.

waahhaha. 

He said I can't lie. I'm noob in cover lies.

And I always lie to myself.

Yeaaa. I always do.

Lies.

Lied to myself that everything is gonna be alright soon.

Lied to myself that I'm happy.

Lied to myself that I can survive with his little of love.

Lied to myself that I can live without a phone.

Lied to myself that I can not-to-stick-to-him.

...

Sorry, I lied too many things.

Darling Grace also ask me to cry everything out.

yeaa. I cried since Berry say im lie-ing.

and , yeaa , i cry even harder.

Just let the tears do the job.

Bring away everything that i don't need.

and I still can smile , on the morning of the First of March.

She is beautiful. :')

----------

First of March.

I asked you why is this date so special and I need you to accompany me, at least for this day?

You answered you don't know.

Okayy, imma tell you now.

the 3rd monthsary. 

Yeaa. you won't remember.

Maybe your life is being too busy or craps, you don't want to remember.

-Sorry if you felt im so annoying, I was too good to you. made you don't even want to care of what im thinking or what my mood is. seriously, you don't even want to cheer me up when im no mood.-

I wonder we could pass the 3rd month?

... i really dont know

If you really love me, please, make some effort on me. 

If you really love me, please, show more caring on me.

If you really love me, please, sacrifice 1 hour of sleeping for me.

If you really love me, please, bring your charger along wherever you go.

If you really love me, please, take time to accompany me.

If you really love me, please, don't too shy to show it.

If you really love me, please, take your promises serious.

If you really love me, please, let me know that you loves me.

I wanted to say this all, for long time ady.

This may showed im very annoying, [yeaa, i know that]

 I always try to be understanding before, 

sometimes failed and sometimes success.

I hope we can last longer, but its only after I talk with you about us.

hope our love last till this stage.

Please, take time to talk with me. 

ILY. :')

If we can't hold onto, just leave. :') 

-But I never want this to happen.-

love。

Baii. :')