hi si dia.

i still remember everything that we used to be,
i still remember every moments we spend together.
i still remember incomplete every wishes and promises...

i'm the one who ask to break so yeah..
i might have no right to say this. :)

BUT,
i still wanna type it out 'cause there's no other way to let me express this sucking feeling.

Hey you,
i'm not over  you yet. sorry to say.
but yes, im not over you yet.
i miss you, wanted to call you and text you but my mind told me not to do so, 'cause you're not mine anymore.
i even don't dare to PM you in facebook.
I EVEN don't dare to add you back in facebook, because you're the one who chose to unfriend me.
HMMM..
you deserved someone better and suitable for you...
i'm sorry if i did hurt you before.
and..
i'm glad that you moved on. :)

hope you can get the new HER and live happily ever after.
I wish to attend your wedding too.. if can :)

we can be best friend.. right?

but in the end, i'll be falling in love with you over and over again..

perhaps its better for us to remain this state, you no find me, and i'm fine with no-one-text-period.

i'm sorry for everything and... thank you for everything.

ps: thanks for that girl judging me for having no self-esteem, YOU DON'T KNOW ME . nvm, i usually don't give a damn fuck 'bout it but this time.. o0o  in your face. Fuck you.

x

委屈。

你好。
我不好。

我以為一切可以像我所計劃一樣，每個人都可以合作。

為什麼就是這麼難。

我好後悔，
不應該是這樣的啊，
為什麼可以一起38的所謂的朋友，就是沒辦法在課業上合作？

也許是我的錯、我知道我小氣 小心眼。
一點小事我都可以很肚爛。
有時候一個眼神，一個面色，我都可以難過很久。

我很在意別人對我是怎麼看法。
我不會社交。
交到新朋友我也不是很會說話。
就算是老朋友，我也可能不多話。
不是我號戀，我真的不會社交………

我不喜歡輸給人。
我喜歡贏的滋味，可是為什麼當一個勝利者就注定要孤獨……

他們說，強者都是孤獨的。
這個我很懂。
我曾經因為是領導人物，大家都不喜歡我
我也沒什麼人可以談心
贏了的時候，那個感覺很不一樣。
不像贏了。只是像輸得更慘不忍睹。

我真的不知道要怎麼辦，
怎麼訴說我的心情。

可能別人沒在意我，但是為什麼我就是很在意別人對我的看法。。。

我的生活永遠都只是配角嗎 我不要！！

我要當主角。我要主宰我的生活、

有時候真的累了。還要掛上虛假的微笑。
那種感覺就像帶上面具的小丑。


課業，我已經設法完成那些我不應該自己做的部分。
我也不懂為什麼我什麼都要攔在我身上，幫他們做。
然後他們一點也沒察覺，反而覺得那是我的本分？

鬱悶。
想要解放，找不到方法。
也許哭一哭，睡一覺，就好了？

頭好疼。
身心疲憊。


終。xx

2011 年。

人人都嚮往美好的日子。誰會要活在劣質的環境中？

2011年就要成為過去式，2012年將是新的王道。

我還在擔心當兵的事// 期待中還是帶著很大的驚恐。

2011 年，
我學到了，做人要嘛就非常隨和 要嘛非常孤僻。 沒人會理你的任何遭遇就算是好朋友好同學好同事。每個人都嘛自私自利。誰會捨棄利益而嚮往災難？ 我是人，你也是人；
把自己份內的事做好，就是身存的方法。千萬不要雞婆當媒婆和事佬中間人 都沒有好處尤其是對自己。

2011 年，
我學到了自己一個人，好過兩個人。謝謝我身邊的朋友家人。我真的不相信愛情。叫我談戀愛我的答案永遠是NO。就算你逼我我也不知道什麼叫愛，要怎麼愛。雖然有時是真的很想要有個人陪有個人傾述，都不過是暫時性的。

我也學到了如何克制自己。再怎麼痛，再怎麼難受，眼淚都只能留到晚上的枕頭。

去年的聖誕及倒數，還有一個人陪我過。今年，我一個人看煙花，玩面書。
我還記得，那時的煙花。那麼的響亮。（（淚奔m(_ _)m

哈哈哈，有時候，單身也未必不是好事？出去也不用煩要穿什麼好取悅男人。現在的我，畫個眼線 穿上自己喜歡的衣服，上街咯！也不用無時無刻握住電話，像個寶那樣，深怕沒回到愛人的短訊。更不用吵架。嘖，我真的看得太多了，他們都把我捧上天，說什麼有愛情的問題就可以來問我。噗 笑死我，小女子哪敢當？哈哈哈，我也不過是叫他們看清楚，作出自己認為最不後悔的決定… 那麼難嗎？ 或許真的是當局者迷旁觀者清吧 //

2012年，
我沒什麼多大的·願望，只希望能在當兵期間瘦一點，做人矜持一點，能討到哪家我想要的護理學院……………………

最近愛上了黑白風格，簡單乾淨，整合我意。
下午三點，傾盆大雨。真夠他媽的。

不要問我為什麼用華文。我只是單純的覺得，實時的改變能讓人煥然一新。另外，我活者不是為了取悅任何人。╮(╯▽╰)╭

終。xx

anger. ?

gahh, it shouldn't be anger. 

its jealousy.

they say jealousy kills.

it does.

*cough cough* 

im still sick in sore throat and coughing.

everyday before i sleep i'll perform the infinity coughing show.

TROLOLOL.

from people's reaction, 

i became a very hot temper person.

DOyouevenrealize?

hehehehh

a bit a bit nia angry.

a bit a bit nia quarrel with people..

and i was like, whats wrong with me?

...

curse? or.. karma?

never..

hmm idk how to say but..

i really feel confused at many points..

i was influenced by mom for not having a boyfie.

because i thought man cannot be trusted but yet i found a guy who is 27 years old and he treated me good.

ughh, should be saying, he treats everyone nicely.

he is an awesome friend.

at first i was sympathy towards his family background and so on..

but now, he always told me that something that i doesnt expect a MAN will say.

llike, getting married.

he say, its a happiness and a push on life for man to have wife and the little ones waiting for him after work.

'cause its been so far i don't want to believe in man again since 27 March.

when i left him.

i feel depressed and i wanted to get in love with someone else.

to have a REAL relationship.

everytime they ask me for advice in love, i couldn't really answer because i never had those REAL things before.

hahah.

funny. this is very funny.

im a girl who was always saying not to fall in love and have no faith in man but yet i wanted to fall in love again.

such a hypocrite.

btw, perhaps some of the wedding videos encourages me to get married. ? hahaha.

total random-ness.

currently busy-ing with our once-in-a-lifetime class dinner.

its gonna run in a smooth way.

like a wedding. farewell wedding.

ughh emo*

i want to slim down.

i hate my fat body,

im fat. 

and im not pretty.

yet not ugly.

baii.

Broken.

I am not suppose to be bloggin.

I doesnt have that silly mood to do so. 

But shit happens and i had to find somewhere somehow to puke it out or else i might die without anyone knowing.

Okay.

What does Family means?

They say its

Father And Mother I Love You.

yeahh.

but mine. will be Mother and Sisters I Love You.

Masily. 

hahahahaa..

its broken.

totally broken.

they quarrel because of me.

yeahh ME.

i was like, very innocent and i didnt know things happened because of me.

my mom and sisters had booked tickets to fly back to Pahang at the 21 of Oct.

and my so-called-dad booked his too without everyone of us' acknowledge.

I thought he is mature. ahahahah.

if he go, i will be all alone over here.

i cant go due to the exams is around the corner.

mom was worrying bout me coz i dont dare to stay alone in house. 

now he take this for a reason that mom doesnt want him to go.

mom doesnt want him to go because when mom see him, she doesnt feel any happiness.

so she rather go without him.

they quarreling and i knock the door of theirs'.

i think he feel paiseh and doesnt want me and my sis to see them quarrel so he act nicely.

i heard everything.

i ask him. 

what are u 2 quarrel bout?

he say, your mom sudden want sudden dont want me to go. worried bout you bah.

i replied. 

i already planned to sleep over at my friend's house. if you want go, then go lar.

i cried.

yes, like burst everything out.

are you angry at mom just because of this?

why everything turns so fucking shit?

i cant control my tears to fall.

.

.

.

broken down.

i wont care if you leave us.

im okay with that.

why dont you just leave us alone and living peacefully?

Broken.

baii.

TGISaturday.

heh. I forgot to put title on my previous blog post. heh, but nevermind. 

Who cares? HEHEHh.

i rather not coming home. i want to smoke and i want drunk all night.

but somehow something prevented me to do it all. IDK why.

I know its not good yet i need to fight with my heart and im always the loser.

phone broke down :/ haihh, need go reformat liao.

yay daddy want buy ipad. yay yayyyy can forever rebloggg on tumblaaaaa. <3

i wanted to change the tumblr layout to those alike with those awesome blogs one but i lazzy. so, yeahh.

I miss Grace. I miss hugging her.

I miss everyone in my life.

The boy very hardworking at the place i work, we called him handsome boy but i call him sengboii la. x3

hehh, he talk his past with us just now. 

he miss his mom. and his mom had past away and he was used to very close to her and he looking her die inside and he cannot save her.

I feel so sad. he seems want to cry but he smile at me instead.

He miss her. Like seriously.

he work at saloon from morning until evening, and night work at waiter. 

he looks awesome and strong. yeah.

im gonna reformat my phone tomorrow.

oh yeah i wanna hug him so much just now, like a boss. seriously.

super random? 

k baii.

Hates.

Get free from everything.

I almost die last on last friday night. under his hand. the man I have to love but I had already hated him to the max. 

He was so drunk and I was waiting him to fetch me from tuition. I waited him alone. My phone credit expired. I cant contact anyone. I thought everything will be fine like usual. but this time my wish is not granted and something unusual is happened. 

He drive so fast and he stop so fast. I can't describe. UGHH. He stop infront of my tuition center and was yelling that he is very sick. he can't even drive. he drive like snake. yeahh seriously. he is so smelly. the smell of cigarettes and alcohols. leading me to puke and nervous. i am soo not secure. i scared that i will die in next second when i open my eyes. im so scared that my hands is freeze and trying so hard to close my eyes everytime he stops suddenly and at the turning point. im so scared that i prayed to god and ask him to save me from this situation. im so scared that i die and my mom and cheryl and amanda got no one to take care of them. im so scared. 

when i arrived home, im so glad that i didnt die. i didnt get injured. i didnt get any police chasing us. ughh. thanks to god. 

i keep wondering why he needs to be so drunk?

He cant even remember how he fetch me home on last friday night. 

his car plate is missing.

he is wondering whether he knock people and cause them to die.

he said he wont drink again.

he said this more than TRICE. 

alright, 

its his birthday. 3rd of sept.

the whole family, too hate him. doesnt want to wish him anything. we dont even have breakfast or lunch nor dinner together. i just dont wanna meet him. i know that im not suppose to do this but i hate him. i have to forgive him but i have not enough faith. im trying hard to forgive but yet i cant. honestly, im planning for run away from here. run away from him and everything over here. start a new life with only mom, cheryl and amanda. my only family LEFT.

probably if i didnt keep believing, today will be funeral of us. die in car accident or etc. 

you had done so much things that made us hate you. you know what is it, please. if you still love us, show it. 

i got nothing left to say.

happy birthday, most hated dad.

k baii. chaww.

i hope i can love you again.

Nooneknowsme.

I'm too despite to post my feelings on facebook so I blog indeed.

Random post just to boooost out my feelings.

Life is being more complicated day by day. Through the toughness of life, I realize that everyone only know my name but not my story. This remind me of her. 

She is someone who I respect the most. But indeed, she thought she knows me well like wth. 

She thought that my family is so rich that she can just cancel my name in the list of the netbook that the government is giving out. SHE told me, ''you're too rich for that so I canceled your name in the list.''

I was so angry like ASDFGHJKL, but my mom asked me to forgive her. Maybe she's innocent or perhaps she just look at the NAME of mine? 

alright, I forgive her but still, my heart still can't really calm when I get nearer to her. HAIH.

Dear anybody else, 

I just want you to know that you're not me and you won't know what problems I'm facing and what my life is. I won't know yours either. 

I'm the type of person hardly have friends. I had just open my heart this two years, to knowing more friends outside. But sometimes I overacted and made peoples disliked me. HAIH. I know. I'm overacting. 

I've so many problems so solve but yet too little time and money. IDK much. 

I yelled His name whenever I feel that He is here with me. I know.

I know He will lead me and show me the way. I know..

Put Everything in God's Hands! "Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall." Psalm 55:22

and..

shalomm. baii. :')

Boring-ness.

Seems like better to go Tumblr. for blogging. At least there can find a series of nice pictures.

seems like meaningless posting my posts here...

K Thanks BAii.

LOL. JK. 

My life was being good so far.

Daily busy with school, homeworks, working time, sleep, eat, play around and making trying to linked to my besties that won't left me alone when we went for outing. 

Amoii and Aboii, i called them. I met them from where I work. Yeaa they treats me like I'm the main character. I just love them. They never ever leave me alone when we went out. Seriously.

THEY NEVER. :D

I'm try not to hate, but I really hates peoples let me alone when they ajak me go out. Its just like, ''why are you ajak me here and drop me alone ?!''

Totally wasting of time. 

So, please don't invite me go out just for sharing another share of money. And them drop me alone watching you all laughing, watching movie without my share of ticket.

Its just like, ignored.

okay stops on this topic.

-------Ended-------

My life were a mystery. I can be a movie producer, a movie editor and even a movie actress.

I knew that I'm not hot and prettayy but I got my confidence to do those things.

Yeaa and I did it. But something gone wrong. aiya, blame me ='/

Sorry but I do feel loneliness. Lonely, need to hold myself when I'm falling cause theres no one for you.

Lonely, need to handle everything by myself cause theres no one for you.

Lonely, need to hold my hands by myself to being less warmness.

Sorry I just hate being alone.

='/

Strong.. SIGH.

Currently addicted to Tumblr for nice pictures, Amei's song '都什麼時候了', Justin Bieber 'Pray'.

Chaw, Praying for another better day..

-Cat