hi si dia.

i still remember everything that we used to be,
i still remember every moments we spend together.
i still remember incomplete every wishes and promises...

i'm the one who ask to break so yeah..
i might have no right to say this. :)

BUT,
i still wanna type it out 'cause there's no other way to let me express this sucking feeling.

Hey you,
i'm not over  you yet. sorry to say.
but yes, im not over you yet.
i miss you, wanted to call you and text you but my mind told me not to do so, 'cause you're not mine anymore.
i even don't dare to PM you in facebook.
I EVEN don't dare to add you back in facebook, because you're the one who chose to unfriend me.
HMMM..
you deserved someone better and suitable for you...
i'm sorry if i did hurt you before.
and..
i'm glad that you moved on. :)

hope you can get the new HER and live happily ever after.
I wish to attend your wedding too.. if can :)

we can be best friend.. right?

but in the end, i'll be falling in love with you over and over again..

perhaps its better for us to remain this state, you no find me, and i'm fine with no-one-text-period.

i'm sorry for everything and... thank you for everything.

ps: thanks for that girl judging me for having no self-esteem, YOU DON'T KNOW ME . nvm, i usually don't give a damn fuck 'bout it but this time.. o0o  in your face. Fuck you.

x

你好。

好久沒更新喲。
我、好嗎？
算好吧。人生過了一層層自己第一次面對的階段。
去了國民服務，獨自上KL去面試，上了學院。
學院的生活一開始很辛苦，Orientation week 簡直不是人過的生活。過後有一個星期宿舍沒水。每天早上四點起床只為了爭到水沖涼洗衣服。
每天過着朝八晚五的生活、每天穿着正式的服裝，簡直就像個上班族。呵。
學院啊，不是你死就是我亡，上課沒專心你就輸了。
在這裡，
有些事情不能直接說出來就算。是沒辦法說。是沒人可以訴說。
在這裡，我可以算是113個人裡最年輕的其中一個。
朋友沒幾個是同種族的，同思想的。
華人也不過幾個，華人女生更是稀有動物。
俺，是唯一一個正統的華人女生。
辛苦啊～
喲喲，有時候真的委屈可是只能往自己肚子裡吞。
不開心，也只能小小的難過一下又要笑著當小丑。

心理學導師說，早上你睡醒時是什麼心情，你一整天就是那個心情。 你睡醒時是很清新，一整天下來你就會是很開心。

時時提醒自己絕對要忍耐。
因為我的專業告訴我要這麼做。

對了，我在上着的課程是醫療助理。Medical Assistant. 我們的工作猶如醫生可是我們不被稱為醫生。我們的工作猶如護士可是我們不是護士。我們是醫療助理。 :)

好啦，更新到這裡就算了。
哈哈大笑，又是新的一天。

終。xx

2011 年。

人人都嚮往美好的日子。誰會要活在劣質的環境中？

2011年就要成為過去式，2012年將是新的王道。

我還在擔心當兵的事// 期待中還是帶著很大的驚恐。

2011 年，
我學到了，做人要嘛就非常隨和 要嘛非常孤僻。 沒人會理你的任何遭遇就算是好朋友好同學好同事。每個人都嘛自私自利。誰會捨棄利益而嚮往災難？ 我是人，你也是人；
把自己份內的事做好，就是身存的方法。千萬不要雞婆當媒婆和事佬中間人 都沒有好處尤其是對自己。

2011 年，
我學到了自己一個人，好過兩個人。謝謝我身邊的朋友家人。我真的不相信愛情。叫我談戀愛我的答案永遠是NO。就算你逼我我也不知道什麼叫愛，要怎麼愛。雖然有時是真的很想要有個人陪有個人傾述，都不過是暫時性的。

我也學到了如何克制自己。再怎麼痛，再怎麼難受，眼淚都只能留到晚上的枕頭。

去年的聖誕及倒數，還有一個人陪我過。今年，我一個人看煙花，玩面書。
我還記得，那時的煙花。那麼的響亮。（（淚奔m(_ _)m

哈哈哈，有時候，單身也未必不是好事？出去也不用煩要穿什麼好取悅男人。現在的我，畫個眼線 穿上自己喜歡的衣服，上街咯！也不用無時無刻握住電話，像個寶那樣，深怕沒回到愛人的短訊。更不用吵架。嘖，我真的看得太多了，他們都把我捧上天，說什麼有愛情的問題就可以來問我。噗 笑死我，小女子哪敢當？哈哈哈，我也不過是叫他們看清楚，作出自己認為最不後悔的決定… 那麼難嗎？ 或許真的是當局者迷旁觀者清吧 //

2012年，
我沒什麼多大的·願望，只希望能在當兵期間瘦一點，做人矜持一點，能討到哪家我想要的護理學院……………………

最近愛上了黑白風格，簡單乾淨，整合我意。
下午三點，傾盆大雨。真夠他媽的。

不要問我為什麼用華文。我只是單純的覺得，實時的改變能讓人煥然一新。另外，我活者不是為了取悅任何人。╮(╯▽╰)╭

終。xx

Broken.

I am not suppose to be bloggin.

I doesnt have that silly mood to do so. 

But shit happens and i had to find somewhere somehow to puke it out or else i might die without anyone knowing.

Okay.

What does Family means?

They say its

Father And Mother I Love You.

yeahh.

but mine. will be Mother and Sisters I Love You.

Masily. 

hahahahaa..

its broken.

totally broken.

they quarrel because of me.

yeahh ME.

i was like, very innocent and i didnt know things happened because of me.

my mom and sisters had booked tickets to fly back to Pahang at the 21 of Oct.

and my so-called-dad booked his too without everyone of us' acknowledge.

I thought he is mature. ahahahah.

if he go, i will be all alone over here.

i cant go due to the exams is around the corner.

mom was worrying bout me coz i dont dare to stay alone in house. 

now he take this for a reason that mom doesnt want him to go.

mom doesnt want him to go because when mom see him, she doesnt feel any happiness.

so she rather go without him.

they quarreling and i knock the door of theirs'.

i think he feel paiseh and doesnt want me and my sis to see them quarrel so he act nicely.

i heard everything.

i ask him. 

what are u 2 quarrel bout?

he say, your mom sudden want sudden dont want me to go. worried bout you bah.

i replied. 

i already planned to sleep over at my friend's house. if you want go, then go lar.

i cried.

yes, like burst everything out.

are you angry at mom just because of this?

why everything turns so fucking shit?

i cant control my tears to fall.

.

.

.

broken down.

i wont care if you leave us.

im okay with that.

why dont you just leave us alone and living peacefully?

Broken.

baii.

memories.

I was like awake till now, its 0210am.

I wanted to sleep.

I saw him online and i was.. curious. 

I dont love him, i just miss the time.

yeahh so i stalked him.

when we were together, I never had the chance to enjoy of the shower of love from him. 

His present tense do.

I was like, ughhh, why are you cheating on me? You said you no money so I earn money to help to carry a little things that I can. But you LIED.

It hurts. ALOT.

I check back my another ex. ehehehhh, i remembered how he lied to me.

he said he was busy but at time he is fucking with another girl.

so yeahh.

I checked on the other ex too.

he lied to me too. he lied to me that he will love me forever like no one else do.

yeahh, forever love? NEVER.

love?

for me la. 

maybe mine isnt here yet but who knows?

I'm afraid of falling in love. 

Afraid to lies.

Afraid to insecure.

Perhaps,

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Who knows?

okay enough for the hiatus. 

its time to bed.

end emo.

baii.

Birthday ;

HEyyy its mah birthdayy ! :3

okayy i was locked at home cause today no school. 

asdfghjkl; fml. 

#foreveraloneonbirthday.

anyway, im bored so i took soooooooooooooooooo many pictures of myself. 

and i combined it. ;3 hehehehh 

look nice eh? hehehe ♥

i used the eyeliner that my sister , xiiaoJIJI ( little chicken chicken)

and my phone as camera, 

then i was like, qweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

i downloaded lots of font for typing on mah pc and i can use 'em to edit my photos ! ;3

i'm seriously excited for tmorrow ! hehehehe, tomorrow got school, Apek, Debbie, Lifei seems like planning something to catch me on tomorrow.......

heheheh, enough, i want go watch Taiwan drama liao.

Happy birthday to me. <3 <3

happy birthday to me. ;3

fucked up.

I dont know why. I just feel so lonely inside. 

I post something in facebook and no one would notice and give me some attention. hah. this world is so realistic. 

I wonder why no boy love me. 

I wonder why Catherine no boyfriend.

I wonder why no boy i can love.

I wonder why..

i really fuckin holding my tears. 

I wonder why.

I dont know why I just think off wanna cry.

and now i know why that if cry out can make me less moody.

no one wanna talk with me.

no one wanna know whats in my mind.

im so fucking emo.

anyone please smile at me and make me seems like a breathing human.

now i kow why Juliana can delete her facebook statuses after sometime she posted it, if no one liked it.

no one would want to know what i had been treatten. NO one. would.

i apologize to God but yet im still so fuckin damnning emo.

alright im gonna kill myself deep inside.

Hates.

Get free from everything.

I almost die last on last friday night. under his hand. the man I have to love but I had already hated him to the max. 

He was so drunk and I was waiting him to fetch me from tuition. I waited him alone. My phone credit expired. I cant contact anyone. I thought everything will be fine like usual. but this time my wish is not granted and something unusual is happened. 

He drive so fast and he stop so fast. I can't describe. UGHH. He stop infront of my tuition center and was yelling that he is very sick. he can't even drive. he drive like snake. yeahh seriously. he is so smelly. the smell of cigarettes and alcohols. leading me to puke and nervous. i am soo not secure. i scared that i will die in next second when i open my eyes. im so scared that my hands is freeze and trying so hard to close my eyes everytime he stops suddenly and at the turning point. im so scared that i prayed to god and ask him to save me from this situation. im so scared that i die and my mom and cheryl and amanda got no one to take care of them. im so scared. 

when i arrived home, im so glad that i didnt die. i didnt get injured. i didnt get any police chasing us. ughh. thanks to god. 

i keep wondering why he needs to be so drunk?

He cant even remember how he fetch me home on last friday night. 

his car plate is missing.

he is wondering whether he knock people and cause them to die.

he said he wont drink again.

he said this more than TRICE. 

alright, 

its his birthday. 3rd of sept.

the whole family, too hate him. doesnt want to wish him anything. we dont even have breakfast or lunch nor dinner together. i just dont wanna meet him. i know that im not suppose to do this but i hate him. i have to forgive him but i have not enough faith. im trying hard to forgive but yet i cant. honestly, im planning for run away from here. run away from him and everything over here. start a new life with only mom, cheryl and amanda. my only family LEFT.

probably if i didnt keep believing, today will be funeral of us. die in car accident or etc. 

you had done so much things that made us hate you. you know what is it, please. if you still love us, show it. 

i got nothing left to say.

happy birthday, most hated dad.

k baii. chaww.

i hope i can love you again.

IDKnow.

SHEETZ.

Its been a long time for blogging. ;x

Spending too much time on Facebook and Tumblr. 

Been mess up for love and friends. So much things happened and I'm thinkibng how to face it. 

Friend shouldn't be the one left you behind when you need someone else. 

Friend shouldn't be the one left you for their BOY/GIRLfriend instead listen to us. 

If the friendship can broke so easily, IT doesn't name as friendship. ITS FRIENDSHITZ.

Okay, I apologize if I caused any convenience.

I've learnt how to keep everything inside instead of showing it out dramatically. 

This happens when I'm soooo excited 'bout something and I wanted to tell someone 'bout that, they ignore me by talking other things or talking to other peoples OR IGNORE me straight before I get the chance to say anything. #foreveralone.

AND AND,

I extremely DISLIKE the so-called-friend, use MY name to hang out and ACTUALLY they are abandon you aside AS they wanted to GO OUT for meeting their BOY/GIRLfriend. 

I was like, WHAT TEH HEWL you ask for hangout when your aim is actually DATING, WHILE I'M ALONE OVER THERE DOING NOTHING ? 

How would you? HAHAHAh. 

+ I Don't Give A Fuck if you dislike me. 

But I DO Give A Damn if you talk bad behind me. 

AND I DO GIVE A FUCKIN' SHITZ ON YOUR FACE IF I CAUGHT YOU DO SO. 

hahah. I'm so bad as you can't imagine. :) 

BTW, some random strangers, I'm not as friendly as you all think. 

SO, stop judge me before you know me and anything else.

:D
mlm F*CKKK.

okay,

I met Grace for the second time. *FINALLY*.

She is sooooooooooooo small. But I'm so sad bout it when the cute-ness of her became one of her problems. :( haih, what to do, life always unfair tho. 

:')

And FYI, the first time we met was at AHPek's house when CNY'11. 

and I had a family day trip with my FAMILIES ! :D, after a long hard working time, finally we get the holidays to spend with. Its so cooool.

We went to Matang Wildlife Center.

mom and Amanda

This looks fat. But this is ME. :)

Amanda, mama, papa and Cheryl.

And we went to the river, and of course, SWIMMMM.

Guess which is me ? :P -NEHHH, the MIDDLE one. LOLL

FOOOOOOD ! -I looks FAT, #fml.

And...

LOL, Amanda-the-beauty-lover. 

. 

.

On Sunday, I skipped tuition ;p

Mom drive me, Cheryl and Amanda to Damai, Santubong and Buntal for refreshing trip. Its just a short-short trip even though I didn't TOUCH sea water. #FML. *sigh* I miss beach so much ! 

 

NAA, lazy for uploading photos. :P its time for me to tumblring ! Goooood looooong byeeeeee Bloggerrrr. :P btw, follow me on tumblr, 

#my tumblr.

Tadaaaaaaa. 

-Life is just miserable, theres no undo nor return. So, live like theres no tomorrow. :)

Boring-ness.

Seems like better to go Tumblr. for blogging. At least there can find a series of nice pictures.

seems like meaningless posting my posts here...

K Thanks BAii.

LOL. JK. 

My life was being good so far.

Daily busy with school, homeworks, working time, sleep, eat, play around and making trying to linked to my besties that won't left me alone when we went for outing. 

Amoii and Aboii, i called them. I met them from where I work. Yeaa they treats me like I'm the main character. I just love them. They never ever leave me alone when we went out. Seriously.

THEY NEVER. :D

I'm try not to hate, but I really hates peoples let me alone when they ajak me go out. Its just like, ''why are you ajak me here and drop me alone ?!''

Totally wasting of time. 

So, please don't invite me go out just for sharing another share of money. And them drop me alone watching you all laughing, watching movie without my share of ticket.

Its just like, ignored.

okay stops on this topic.

-------Ended-------

My life were a mystery. I can be a movie producer, a movie editor and even a movie actress.

I knew that I'm not hot and prettayy but I got my confidence to do those things.

Yeaa and I did it. But something gone wrong. aiya, blame me ='/

Sorry but I do feel loneliness. Lonely, need to hold myself when I'm falling cause theres no one for you.

Lonely, need to handle everything by myself cause theres no one for you.

Lonely, need to hold my hands by myself to being less warmness.

Sorry I just hate being alone.

='/

Strong.. SIGH.

Currently addicted to Tumblr for nice pictures, Amei's song '都什麼時候了', Justin Bieber 'Pray'.

Chaw, Praying for another better day..

-Cat